International A$$

When I sat down to write this blog post, I honestly had totally forgotten the events that happened related to my Mexico trip because so many new things have already happened since I've been back home. I'm not sure why interesting/funny/creepy things like to intermittently occur at random times in my life, but I guess that's the premise of this blog right? A bunch of personal stories that make you laugh? As a peek into my next post, I'd just like to preface that I just MIGHT be able to speak to the dead. Not confirmed yet though... you'll see in the next post LOL. ANYWAYS, back to Mexico. What a phenomenal time. My Uncle got married in a BEAUTIFUL all-inclusive resort called Hotel Mousai in Puerto Vallarta. Yes, it is just as extravagant as it sounds. There were alot of great things about this hotel, but the mains include the views, the food, and the rooms AKA everything.

1. The VIEWS: From the very beginning you guys, I was FLOORED just walking into the hotel itself. I stayed in the South Tower and it gave modern chic vibes. Lots of black and whites with perfectly planned pops of color but surrounded by nature and the tropical presence of Mexico. And I don't mean like forest jungle tropical vibes, I mean like side of a cliff views of the ocean with palm trees mixed in...And also, a bar right in the lobby... as a reminder this was an all-inclusive hotel. So drinks were FREE.... which brings me right into the second main.

2. The FOOD: There were so many awesome dishes at this place, I think my faves included the tuna tartare on the rooftop menu-which reminded me of Hawaii style poke but smaller chunks and with a ponzu type sauce and aesthetically more extra, the chilaquiles on the room service breakfast menu- grilled steak, cotija cheese and sour cream over a bed of freshly made tortilla chips doused in mildly spicy green sauce and a little red onion and parsley to perfectly combine it all, OH EM i've been dreaming of these ever since I ate them, last on the faves list is the miso creme brulee served at the Hiroshi restaurant- think creme brulee but with some umami and an even creamier texture. These are my favorites after only having a 3 night stay at this place. Reminder that room service is 24 hours.... no additional comments needed.

3. The ROOM: HOLY MOLY. The bell guy walked me to my room after handing me a glass of sparkling wine. He opens the door and WOW. It was magical, the shades to the balcony slowly opened and unveiled the floor to ceiling mirrors, the King cal sized bed with overly plush pillows, the mini bar and fridge (which you can get restocked daily), and the absolutely massive balcony. Every. Single. Room. has a balcony with a hammock and jacuzzi. I honestly wish I could even afford something like this to live in. Unbelievable. The room was extensive, had a shower with that overhead square shower head I know you wish you had, a toilet with a bidet (talk about not having to worry about cold bathroom seats at midnight), and enough space to house a small family.

No, this is not an advertisement for the hotel, nor is it at all about my time in Mexico even though it was a blast... but it's about me going through customs on my way back, because it's obviously a laughing matter.

I was already suspicious that I had been "the chosen one" when I was dropping my bag at spirit airlines (don't judge me, my mom booked it) because they put a little blue sticker on the back of my passport, unlike the rest of my family who got green stickers... tell me not, you'd be sus too. Anyways, as some background, we flew out of Puerto Vallarta to LAX, had a 3 hour layover to go through customs, get our bags, and get to the gate for our connecting flight. So to set the scene, we get off at LAX, and head towards customs, do a little bathroom stop just in case and make our way through the line. It's moving pretty quickly, probably because just like every other line in the airport, it unnecessarily winds back and forth making every basic b*tch say "well, at least we're getting our steps in" *insert eye roll here*. I am the second person from my family in line to get to the agent. She takes my passport, makes me simultaneously look at the camera, and scans it facedown in the reader. *beep*, she looks up at me and says "oh, hold on one second" in a moderately calm tone, adjusts the passport like something different will happen, *beep*, she then puckers her lips biased to the right side and slightly raises her eyebrows at me and gives an audible "hmmm", she tries one more time, wipes my passport on her shirt and rescans, *beep*.

At this point, I'm sweating, wondering if I made a mistake by answering no when she asked me if I need to claim anything I bought in Mexico thinking "maybe they know I bought a pack of mini hot sauces and chili chocolate from the duty free in the airport". She frustratingly slowly exits out of the computer program and stands up from her chair, "follow me, you have a facial mismatch". I'm full on panicking now, walking with her and watching as my cousin waves at me and says "love you ceej" to which I can't even open my mouth to respond to. My only way to cope is humor and I say to the agent before she buzzes me into the back room, " I would say the only reason I have a facial mismatch is because I lost weight since I did my passport, but I haven't" and she doesn't even give me a smile. And it was at that moment I knew this wasn't a joke.

"Have a seat, they'll call you in a minute", the agent says as she leaves me in a room full of 30-40 people all seated respectively isolated of one another, none of which look anything like me or anything close to American, but who have all their eyes on me and look like they've been in this room for HOURS. The air is stagnant and there are 4-5 ICE guys sitting in the corner of the room sitting authoritatively and attentively in silence. I clutch my backpack tight and squeeze through a row of people to an open seat and feel zero sense of relief when I sit down. I look up to see varying types of signs, all of which say "no phone usage allowed" along with the reminders from the ICE workers every couple of minutes "you CANNOT use your phones in here". So instead of looking at our phones, we all stare each other in the eyes, something none of us have done in what I'm sure has been years. The eye contact is too much to bear, so I start to come up with a plan. They may say that we can't use our phones, but they didn't say anything about using an apple watch to text. Trying to be as subtle as possible, I hold down the side button of my watch, wishing that time would move by a little faster and that my watch would magically turn on. Of course it turns on after what feels like hours of waiting, and I painfully write out a text to my mom saying, "im in the back room, no phones allowed and 30ish ppl. looks like they've been waiting long. ill meet up with you guys at the gate". Just after I feel a little weight off my shoulders I hear, "Just a reminder, YOU CANNOT USE YOUR PHONES OR YOUR WATCHES TO TEXT" damnit, of course they have cameras. Wtf was I thinking, now even moreso they are going to make me wait longer and I am definitely going to miss my connecting flight. After an agonizing 10 or so minutes, I hear my name called and I shimmy through the row to face one of the workers behind the counter. I hear my name again, the mouth of the guy sitting in front of me is not moving, I move to the next desk, nope not him, lastly I get to the right person. "Cydni?" "Yep thats me". I sit down in front of this man with a bald head and his tilted back chair with my passport in his hand like he is leisurely reading a book and he tortuously GRILLS me on simple security questions and things that should easily roll off the tongue, but do they? Of course not. He asks rapid fire questions back to back like I can't speak quickly enough. "Phone number?" "Date of birth?" "Emergency Contact?" "Place of birth?" I stammer through the answers and the last one he asks me is "When did you take this passport picture?" "I mean, I have no idea, a long time ago. All I know is that I have to renew it next year." "Well, yeah looks like you need to renew. There was a facial mismatch, get it fixed." And the man THROWS IT AT ME. BRO when I tell you I was mad, I was MAD MAD. Did he seriously just make my tongue trip over itself like that because in my passport picture I was smiling, but in front of the camera at the initial check I was frowning because I had left Hotel Mousai? To top things off, I tell my family the whole story and my mom laughs and shows me her passport. SHE HAS BLACK HAIR IN THE PIC, AND SHE'S CURRENTLY BLONDE!

Not me sweating profusely because of a little facial mismatch. I've come to terms with the fact that these things happen to me only because I can make people laugh telling the story later. Other than this part of the trip, Mexico was amazing and I'm so sad it was so short. All in all, lots of dancing, more than enough drinking/eating, lots of family time, and lots of sweating - due to excess dancing, Mexico heat, and of course, customs. Will 100% be renewing my passport ASAP.