Fed is Best

Wow, ya girl survived! We are on day 3 of solo momming. It ain’t as bad as I expected! But honestly, I was never prepared. Motherhood is GOT DAMN HARDDD. Let’s start with breastfeeding…

It’s the best for your baby, it’s the most natural thing, beneficial for you, and even your (or your husband’s) wallet. Simple as that, right?! Welp sound the buzzer, nope absofrickinlutely wrong. Feeding your newborn child is feat. Doesn’t matter how. Formula, breast, exclusive pumping, mixed… regardless of the way you are feeding your child, the mental capacity it takes to ensure you are doing it “right” is so taxing. As a first time mom, you’re already questioning everything, why not throw in another thing that is mandatory to get right to keep your baby alive and thriving?! Everyone’s journey is a little different but here’s mine.

After a whirlwind of a delivery (that’s a whole other story), and having a couple overnights at the hospital just learning how to breastfeed, we were supposedly ready for discharge. Then I get hit with the news that  my baby was to be admitted to NICU for jaundice, so of course I blamed myself, because how could I not? I immediately started frantically pumping so that he could get some colostrum from me while I was away from him. Nevertheless, I wasn’t producing enough just yet (totally normal by the way) so we introduced formula and that was how he ate during his stay there with accompaniments of little syringes filled with that liquid gold. Being that a day of pumping wasn’t gonna drastically increase my supply, after he got discharged from the NICU, we bought 3 cases of formula bottles and I got my tush to work on pumping. I was convinced that I needed to pump every 2-3 hours to boost my supply and ran with it.

The first few weeks obviously fluctuated and I’d offer the boob intermittently and primarily pump, really not knowing wtf I was doing. I’d flip flop in primarily breastfeeding for his mode of eating and still pump to get a freezer stash. I’d use the boob as a top off, or should I use the pumped stuff? Did a pump replace a feed? Did a feed replace a pump? Was my supply enough? Is my son going to get jaundice again? Will I ever have time to sleep more than an hour at a time? What’s enough milk? Do I need to use one pump as primary? Is the portable pump not the same as the suction on the primary? How do I create a freezer stash? Is there enough in my breast after I pump to adequately feed and nourish him? Is my latch good? Why is he making clicking sounds with his mouth? Should there be milk dripping down the side of his face? Should I just stick to one method and call it a day?

Not to say that I’ve figured all this stuff out or that there’s a right way to feed him. The crazy thing about feeding your kid, is that there is no right way. The right way is to get them fed, having enough pee and poop diapers, and gaining weight. That’s IT. That’s the standard. Get them fed. And this took me approximately 7 weeks, multiple mental breakdowns, enough tears to probably fill a swimming pool, my husband reassuring me a bajillion times, a godsend friend who unbeknownst to me used to be a lactation consultant doing a session with me, and so many times saying “fuck it I give up”. I still have questions and question my method but I’m a little better about my sanity and having a basis of what to do. My current routine is primarily breastfeed during the day making sure to get a decent latch, pump when I can so I have some milk for overnight and prep bottles for the overnight feeds so that I don’t have to struggle with a questionable latch and debating if he’s hungry or not overnight. As far as a freezer stash, I really haven’t established one but looking to use one pump a day to put away.

I never understood when people said breastfeeding is hard. Feeding a kid is hard. But it’s hard in the way that you are running on literal fumes, no sleep, but mostly pure love for a child you just met but means more to you than anything even imaginable. Fed will always be best.